nightmare

i lost my decision one hour after the goodbye

AHHK probably never trust me

i think that has been a while

can't blame him

really

i had a nightmare

its the worst i ever had

i had only an hour of sleep yesterday

honestly, i thought it ended quite beautiful

i managed to talk to him happily

i was ready to let him have that shirt

then i fall asleep

in my dreams,

it was pitch black

i couldn't see anything or anyone but the floor were brown tiles-ish

then i heard someone said not to leave

(referring to AHHK)

so i thought to myself, "nah i want him happy"

then i started to feel choked

i couldn't breath and i started to panicked

the voice kept repeating "no air"

then i felt drowned

do you know the feeling like you are drowning in the water

well yeah its like that

except i was on air

i couldn't touch or gasp anything

i freaked out

then like a sharp pain on my chest i woke up

the first thought i had when i woke up were "i wanna keep my word"

i texted him that

then slowly the dream came back i started to feel choked again

i tried asking him for help, but idk

maybe he thinks i'm lying so anyway

it got pretty bad i kept felt choked then i kept vomiting

few times over i think my tummy have nothing left to pump out

but i still felt the same

then i think i passed out for a very short while

because last i remembered were i couldn't breath then next thing i knew i was on the floor

and my head kinda hurt

i think it probably because i fell

well its not thaaaat hurt lah but still

once i awake, i got really scared

so i started to pray to god to help me

and shortly after i started to feel okay again

i was still shaken and slightly choked 

but i don't know

i did the stupidest thing

i asked him to marry me

(of course he ignored me)

but, its a feeling i can't really explain

and stupid and doesn't make any sense

just a minute ago you are like dying then the next you wanna marry him?

wtfish aya?

but

ont thing

somehow i was really sad

because he never helped

i know he owes me nothing

just that i was really panicking

i didn't know what to do

but i think what i am sad about is

he probably ignored me because he thinks i'm making excuses

i think thats the thought thats making me sad

of course i had no way to know what he thinks of me anyway

but anyway

i still wanna keep my promise

i still love him a lot and i wanna make him happy

he'll be happy when i'm gone, right?

he seems happy to see me leaving yesterday

i really like seeing him talking to me happily

i like seeing him happy

so aya

please be strong

you know what you feel

i know we aren't that firm 

but we will always try our best to keep everyone happy right?

and he matters

my dear AHHK

i wish you would know

i never lie anything to you

and i do want you happy

even if it breaks me

i'll try okay

as long as i need and as i can

i'll try every way possible

i love you, my baby star

06102015 | 235130