one step at a time

today

a lot happened

it feels weird when i started to feel things starts to go well

something else starts falling apart

everyone have problems

i knew that

but somehow today, i felt different about it

i thought before

its okay sacrificing myself to make others happy

but then i realised somehow, sometimes

even if i do that,

they still aren't happy

i didn't know what to do then

family problem

i can't go details but then

i don't know

i feel bad

i feel trapped

but somehow

i feel like i wanted to start deciding on things

i don't know how well i can execute all these

but i guess its worth trying

first, my family

i know i heart them but sometimes i really do not know what to do

i can't really decide now either

i feel bad

but i know i can't help

second, AHHK

i know i will feel guilty to plan this now

but my dear, i hope someday you'll see or know

i'm doing it for both of us.

especially you

my hearts wants you happy

third, HH

i'm sorry but i give up

14 years is a really long time

but as time passes, i don't think you knew me at all

and the new you, i cant compete

i wish you all the happiness in this world though

take care

fourth, AA

i wish you well.

i'm sorry i'm not that good of a friend

but i am always here if you need me

come fine me anytime okay?

last, myself

i can't pinpoint but slowly a maybe a little bit

i can feel like i am changing inside

for the better i hope

aya, remember your prayers okay

fix and upgrade yourself slowly

you'll be fine

insyaallah

dear god, i can have him on my side pls?

nightmare

i lost my decision one hour after the goodbye

AHHK probably never trust me

i think that has been a while

can't blame him

really

i had a nightmare

its the worst i ever had

i had only an hour of sleep yesterday

honestly, i thought it ended quite beautiful

i managed to talk to him happily

i was ready to let him have that shirt

then i fall asleep

in my dreams,

it was pitch black

i couldn't see anything or anyone but the floor were brown tiles-ish

then i heard someone said not to leave

(referring to AHHK)

so i thought to myself, "nah i want him happy"

then i started to feel choked

i couldn't breath and i started to panicked

the voice kept repeating "no air"

then i felt drowned

do you know the feeling like you are drowning in the water

well yeah its like that

except i was on air

i couldn't touch or gasp anything

i freaked out

then like a sharp pain on my chest i woke up

the first thought i had when i woke up were "i wanna keep my word"

i texted him that

then slowly the dream came back i started to feel choked again

i tried asking him for help, but idk

maybe he thinks i'm lying so anyway

it got pretty bad i kept felt choked then i kept vomiting

few times over i think my tummy have nothing left to pump out

but i still felt the same

then i think i passed out for a very short while

because last i remembered were i couldn't breath then next thing i knew i was on the floor

and my head kinda hurt

i think it probably because i fell

well its not thaaaat hurt lah but still

once i awake, i got really scared

so i started to pray to god to help me

and shortly after i started to feel okay again

i was still shaken and slightly choked 

but i don't know

i did the stupidest thing

i asked him to marry me

(of course he ignored me)

but, its a feeling i can't really explain

and stupid and doesn't make any sense

just a minute ago you are like dying then the next you wanna marry him?

wtfish aya?

but

ont thing

somehow i was really sad

because he never helped

i know he owes me nothing

just that i was really panicking

i didn't know what to do

but i think what i am sad about is

he probably ignored me because he thinks i'm making excuses

i think thats the thought thats making me sad

of course i had no way to know what he thinks of me anyway

but anyway

i still wanna keep my promise

i still love him a lot and i wanna make him happy

he'll be happy when i'm gone, right?

he seems happy to see me leaving yesterday

i really like seeing him talking to me happily

i like seeing him happy

so aya

please be strong

you know what you feel

i know we aren't that firm 

but we will always try our best to keep everyone happy right?

and he matters

my dear AHHK

i wish you would know

i never lie anything to you

and i do want you happy

even if it breaks me

i'll try okay

as long as i need and as i can

i'll try every way possible

i love you, my baby star

06102015 | 235130

only you

last year today

i made that decision to never leave you

this year today

i guess i have to leave you

it will probably one of biggest regrets

i know i am never strong enough

nor am i capable of doing much

i have always been under your warmth and care and kindness

but today

today i think i can

people say "when you love someone you'll let them go"

i didn't understand this before

but i do now

i don't really agree to it

but i see it now

i do believe things sometimes needs small sacrifices

so i believe this is what i can do

i can't assure you i'll do it well

but i can assure you i'll do my very best

this is my sacrifice for you

my heartbreak for your happiness

because

i loved you

oh my god, i really love you

my dear star

i love you

please be happy and take care of yourself

AAS | 06092015 | 232250

stay

Edgar's Gift

Anything and everything,

the two almost the same-

everything says, have it all;

anything, one to claim

If I say, I'd give you everything,

we know it can never be,

but I will give you anything-

I just hope that thing is me.

Lullabies - Lang Leav

May

May is your month and hell so many things has happened then..

and i have confessed of a lot of thing that happened..

man, did i fall deeper to you..

dear AHHK

do you know how happy i am when you came back

you start talking, pictures, singing

and that picture of you wearing my shirt

i take it as my birthday present.

and i love them a lot

i love the shirt on you.

its perfect. you are perfect.

its beautiful. just like you.

dear AHHK

do you like your birthday present?

it wasn't as first i imagined it would be

which was a year ago back in MAA

but i think they turn out okay

my favourite selections of sweets

do you like them?

those little quotes on happiness

do you like them?

and the book that i first hold after you left

do you like them?

the card were probably too simple

do you like them?

i made all of them especially for you, and only you

i hope you like them

dear AHHK

i had rainbows and butterflies on your birthday

because i was going to see you

did you feel them too??

my heart melts throughout the day looking at you

but, theres something missing in you..

you'd be smiling and laughing and talking..

but something is missing

and i cant figure out what

i was really happy to spend my time with you

were you happy too?

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

were you too?

my dear AHHK

how my broken heart broke to smaller pieces when you blocked me

it wasn't because i was blocked

but its on its why

i didn't want to believe

i guess

i thought that you would be mine again

not hers

i wanted to make you mine

i prayed

lord, i prayed hard

i prayed for you to come back if you were meant for me

do you see why i am so happy when you do?

i prayed that

if you are for me and i can make you happy

then you'll find a way back

if you are not meant for me

then he'll take away these feelings, and take you far away off my mind

but everyday, every prayers

my feelings for you grew

bigger and bigger

i feel lost and confused

it hurts me, it breaks me

to me to feel happy and in love of you

but only to see you

annoyed and resent me everyday of what i do

dear AHHK

what do i do

to either have you

or to lose you

to be love by you

what i would give to make you stay

i would give it all away

i wish you would stay

"stay regardless what may be"

i would love you, and only you

it will be forever, you.

only you