how much time is a year ?

A year today

things were a lot different

i myself were a lot different

i am not sure which i wanted more

but yes, i was a lot happier then than now

but i couldn't say i regretted it either

perhaps, regret is just too much?

but yes, i would like to be happy again please

dear self

how much have you changed?

i still have both of mixed feeling daily regarding AHHK

/sigh/

i still cry, every night, every prayers

i honestly not sure if its a good thing

or bad..

but i wish it could just be gone

i wish i could just woke up one day and not remembering him

or thinking of him

or wanting him

or missing him

....

though i know, deep down, i didn't ever want to

i cant live like this either

can i..

sampai bila, aya ?

honestly

maybe i was too ignorant last time

that i mostly assumed than prayed for

or maybe 

i didn't prayed for it hard enough.

my ignorance, my lost

my pain, my shame

ya Allah,

please forgive me

please make ease of everything

please mend this broken heart

i'm sorry

its a long but worthy journey

whenever you feel like Allah actually answers to your prayers

don't you feel happy?

i feel super happy. and grateful =)

i am no anywhere pious and whatnot. i can't give any religiously-ish kind of advice

but i can tell/share the little things that i know, or my own experiences, or view

kinda.

sometimes, i wonder if it was all games of the devil and all

it actually scares me

what if i am blinded by it

but hopefully, its nothing like that

insyaAllah, its not like that.

kan?

i don't even know how to explain things

but i am just grateful at this moment.

i hope this wouldn't stop me from doing more

i hope that someday the reasons itself will change for the better

i hope to be better

even if the reason now may not seem as right

but insyaAllah i will try to fix it

i hope someday i will be good enough

p/s

if you feel like you need a lot of time, sembahyang diawal waktu.

like really, personal experience, i don't know how true but this is what i normally noticed.

every time  spend my time doing things, time feels like they flew so fast.

but whenever i prayed right after adhan, it always surprised me how slow the time was

this got me a few times.

i don't know it its just me. but we are adviced to do so, isn't it?

maybe its one of things to reward you, perhaps?

it helped me at least

alhamdulillah

to AHHK

i don't hate you. not even a tiny bit. i can never hate you.

i wish i can but i can't afford to hurt you again.

but if you ever need me, i will be here for you.

i hope you are doing okay. both you and your family

i wished nothing but the best for you.

i really am worried for you. especially after you decided to request it

i know the act may seems small for you, but it not for me

it made me super happy.

thank you. really.

but i am scared i will hurt you again, i don't know what to do anymore..

i wish i am enough for you.

Dear You

Dear You

Do you know I still cry for you?

every thought of you, every tears for every heartthrob

Do you know I am still falling for you?

to that beautiful smile and lame winks

Do you know that I miss you?

your smiles, your laugh, your cheesy-ness, just you.

Do you know that I still think of you?

every day, every night, every seconds

Do you know that I prayed for you?

every day, every prayers, every whisper

Do you know I am still waiting for you?

every moment,

silently praying we'll be together, forever

every day not a single day passed without you

except physically

you've left.

xoxo

- aya -

#####

maybe i have no longer have any spot in your life. but i will always keep you close in mind. 

as long as i have this feeling, the spot shall be yours. 

as long as these feeling are strong, i would still love you unconditionally. 

you shall live in my heart, in my prayers, in my mind.

i loved you, i still love you, i will still love you

it hurts, every thought of you falling for someone else, it hurts. 

i wished i could be enough for you. i wished i could make you happy and complete

but i guess i am not..

maybe someone else could...

whatever makes you happy, then i wish for nothing more. 

as hard as it is, 

as hurt as it is,

i want your happiness more than my own.

Ya Allah, please mend my broken heart.

test test test (updated)

more and more test. yesss, procrastination TAT i am suppose to do work but

HA HA HA HA

updates
this is.. HAHAHAHA honestly i guess some part of it is definitely true and i knew it so but some.. i wonder maybe i dont notice them but i do? hahaha some i definitely do not agree lmao

test 48

results

Your house tells the world that you ought to be a leader. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. 

You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. You are an ambitious person. 

You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You always have plans on your mind. This might cause a lot of stress if things don't go the way you expect. You have a strong personality and you like to command, influence and control people. 

You are not a romantic person by nature. It also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You don't think much about yourself.

test 79

results

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between

test 80

results

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

test 81

results

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

1. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
2. You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.
3. Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
4. Your boyfriend thinks that you are a real doll but this is not a totally positive thing. Sometimes you can be a bit too sweet, and come across as being helpless. If you're like this too frequently, your boyfriend and other people are likely to get tired of you having to rely on them all the time.

test 83

results

No one can take better care of you than yourself. Seeing the weakness of others will only make you feel stronger. So your ideal choice is that young trainee. He'll appreciate your protection, and you'll appreciate his appreciation.

bucket list major post and reso's

last edited
April 11, 2015


AYA's BUCKET LIST

lmao

1. SCREW's DECADE live (it seems quite impossible at the moment)
2. Euro backpack trip
3. an RV trip ( i have no idea where though)
4. bungee jumping (but i am really scared lmao)
5. star gazing (i have not found out where i want it yet)
6. shimmering shores in Maldives ( a must go someday)
7. of course, I WANNA MARRY MEET URUHA
8. to steadily join a charity organisations independently
9. own my on business someday (currently thinking of a tea house)
10. Tokyo trip
11. Osaka Trip  (Mac 2014)
12. i wanna go to Disney Sea
13. i want to see sharks!! like a bigggggg one ahaha
14. i want to see an aurora
15. definitely see my babies live show ( tG, NCBL, SCREW, MEJI )
16. other lives (OOR)
17. i wish to do kick boxing (damn princess doubt at my capabilities)

and plus

annual resolutions

(hopefully i am rajin enough to update every year)

2015

1. to be a better person
2. obviously, my masters graduation (insyaAllah this year i hope)
3. a proper job (i truly want to be a research engineer sobs)
4. i want to reach my wanted weight (i laughed to hard for this)
5. monthly donations : Jan, Feb, Mac, Apr, May, Jun, Jul, Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec

2014

1. to be a better person (the fact that i cut myself, i think i failed. miserably)
2. my masters graduation (sadly i failed)
3. a proper job (i already quit does it count?)
4. i want to reach my wanted weight (almost... but FAILED LMAO)

personality ?

hello~

its been awhile and i am currently sick (again)

fever has always been a monthly thing like seriously +__+"

anyways

do you know those kind of personality test thingy?

i took one today lol

not that i believe them but i actually really like what its written for me

its like truly how my current view is

so yeah here it goes

test taken from here

my results

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

like really, dude, this answer scheme amazes me. scares me at the same time too lol

probably just coincidence but still

anyways

for the 16personalities test, apparently i changed from INTJ to ISTJ

i prefer my INTJ personality

i need to find my old self back