there are no safety net in free fall ever

what would you do when you wanna do something but you know its not a good idea and you know people would tell you not to but you know you wont listen anyway

well, i guess then just get the hell to it

lol

i kinda wanna do this one thing. seeing it makes me happy but i know in a long term and also the situation now, kinda, not the right time for it but the urge to do it is strong anyway

i haven't done it and i am still restraining myself from doing it

i'm having hard time to hold myself really

so i thought to just do it so that my inner self is satisfied and i guess if they make me sad or cry or hurt later the i just have to deal with them?

heart is already broken and hurt and sad as it is

it probably won't change much

not sure that is me being positive or indifferent or just don't care anymore

i still care i think?

and today i been praying that the thoughts of you is removed

last time i asked my feelings for you to be gone, it got worst and actually made me love you even more i started to cry again

i don't even understand myself either really

and to be honest

i don't think i want to think anymore

i feel like i kinda just wanna go with it

i guess if i love you still, then i love you still

maybe someday it will fall for someone else

maybe yes, maybe no

i don't know

i'm just tired

and scared

how can i still falling after all this time?

i miss your smile

stop coming into my dreams lol

you are killing my kokoro 

hahaha

i love you yang

missing you

lately,

i don't even know why i feel happy whenever i thought of him. the thought of him still made me sad sometimes but lately, recently, i feel.. happy..

i just find it weird

not that i want to be sad but missing him should be making me sad, no?

the fact that i am actually happy is making me worry even more

as if another misery will later unfold

after this rainbow

but it doesn't even make any sense

this is so weird

i'm scared

but anyway, i hope you are safe. i hope you are happy.

secretly hope you are missing me

LOL

shine bright, my baby star

you will always be my only star

in time

just yesterday, i spent a few hours lying on the floor trying to figure out what i am feeling.

mind was kinda blank which was rare but occasionally happened

one of the thing i argued with myself were about whether or not i still like "star" and figuring out whether i am giving up on him or giving in. to be honest, i don't think even now i have the answers to myself. but i had fun talk yesterday. past included. i can feel i'm a bit better now and i think at this moment, i came to an agreement. to myself.

happy moments, still bring happy feels. even now.

regardless how bad they broke me last time, i guess never denies all the good things they have done for me in the past.

good deeds were still good deeds as of that moment 

and i shall treasure them each

both HH and AH

and especially to AH

berserah atau putus asa. i don't know which. i tried hard to think but i couldn't

i even came to the point wonder if i still like you or not

everything were just confusing

but,

what i can say now is that, i do know that i like you still

even today. even now.

i don't understand why but i do

how can someone made me fall this hard over such short period of time.

but i think i will let go

i been trying to. still trying to. will try to.

be happy. i love you.

of the two sides

okay, one of the thoughts i recently kept thinking about

so how do you differentiate between 

giving in to god's will 

to 

giving up to make anymore effort for something that you actually want?

and it not just limited to a certain thing (or someone) but you know it could be anything, career wise, future wise, marriage, work, family, self, i don't know, anything(?) i guess

i wonder me thinking this is bad its like as if i don't have faith strong enough to just let HIM do the work or actually me not trying to work harder to get what i want. you know? like which exactly?? a friend said at the end of the day which it was were actually depended on what you feel about it. but then my problem is, i don't know what i feel about it.

both happy and sad

i am confused as hell

i'm not even sure if i know what i want

and of course then i thought i should come out with a future plan 

(to actually sound more organised and success, and planning etc la konon pfffft)

not sure if this even related i ended up wanting to do a bucket list
HA HA HA HA HA HA

thats personally sounds like a big joke to me especially after how i fail to get my 2014 resolution done. i only manage to do one out of four

but then they say to just do it and whether i could strike the list off or not, it a different matter.

(pretty good motivation i guess?? maybe)

so i do have a few things in the list, i'll make a separate post later so i can update them whenever

but then pretty embarrassing if anyone knew about it ahahahah

just so you know, ( i don't think you will ever) but i just wanted to say, i am still trying. to decide and be firm. i still can't figure out how to as i know my heart isn't as firm. but slowly, i think i will be able to know what to do..

i wonder if following one's truly heart would make your decisions firmer than anything else in this world? 

???

begin again

so i ended up making another blog. lately i been having the habit to make one and then later abandoned them my account. i knew well why i became that way so this time around i am determined (i hope so) to keep this one as long as I can. because i miss my old entries. my laugh and tears. a slight regret for deleting my old accounts now but i can never get them back.

so cheers, to this new one.

please stay

why stars ? because i really like stars. i love staring at them because whenever i do, i actually stopped thinking and just stare them blankly. and yeah its a good thing because my head normally wouldn't stop thinking about way too many things. especially him.

even now..

i miss him

yes i do. i can never deny that. i want to text him so bad but i guess he's happier without me.

i wish nothing but happiness for you.

though it kinda hurts whenever the idea of him being happy with another girls kills my heart,

but hey, at least he's happy.

i will try to be happy for you

do you ever think of me?

shine bright, my darling star