one step at a time

today

a lot happened

it feels weird when i started to feel things starts to go well

something else starts falling apart

everyone have problems

i knew that

but somehow today, i felt different about it

i thought before

its okay sacrificing myself to make others happy

but then i realised somehow, sometimes

even if i do that,

they still aren't happy

i didn't know what to do then

family problem

i can't go details but then

i don't know

i feel bad

i feel trapped

but somehow

i feel like i wanted to start deciding on things

i don't know how well i can execute all these

but i guess its worth trying

first, my family

i know i heart them but sometimes i really do not know what to do

i can't really decide now either

i feel bad

but i know i can't help

second, AHHK

i know i will feel guilty to plan this now

but my dear, i hope someday you'll see or know

i'm doing it for both of us.

especially you

my hearts wants you happy

third, HH

i'm sorry but i give up

14 years is a really long time

but as time passes, i don't think you knew me at all

and the new you, i cant compete

i wish you all the happiness in this world though

take care

fourth, AA

i wish you well.

i'm sorry i'm not that good of a friend

but i am always here if you need me

come fine me anytime okay?

last, myself

i can't pinpoint but slowly a maybe a little bit

i can feel like i am changing inside

for the better i hope

aya, remember your prayers okay

fix and upgrade yourself slowly

you'll be fine

insyaallah

dear god, i can have him on my side pls?

nightmare

i lost my decision one hour after the goodbye

AHHK probably never trust me

i think that has been a while

can't blame him

really

i had a nightmare

its the worst i ever had

i had only an hour of sleep yesterday

honestly, i thought it ended quite beautiful

i managed to talk to him happily

i was ready to let him have that shirt

then i fall asleep

in my dreams,

it was pitch black

i couldn't see anything or anyone but the floor were brown tiles-ish

then i heard someone said not to leave

(referring to AHHK)

so i thought to myself, "nah i want him happy"

then i started to feel choked

i couldn't breath and i started to panicked

the voice kept repeating "no air"

then i felt drowned

do you know the feeling like you are drowning in the water

well yeah its like that

except i was on air

i couldn't touch or gasp anything

i freaked out

then like a sharp pain on my chest i woke up

the first thought i had when i woke up were "i wanna keep my word"

i texted him that

then slowly the dream came back i started to feel choked again

i tried asking him for help, but idk

maybe he thinks i'm lying so anyway

it got pretty bad i kept felt choked then i kept vomiting

few times over i think my tummy have nothing left to pump out

but i still felt the same

then i think i passed out for a very short while

because last i remembered were i couldn't breath then next thing i knew i was on the floor

and my head kinda hurt

i think it probably because i fell

well its not thaaaat hurt lah but still

once i awake, i got really scared

so i started to pray to god to help me

and shortly after i started to feel okay again

i was still shaken and slightly choked 

but i don't know

i did the stupidest thing

i asked him to marry me

(of course he ignored me)

but, its a feeling i can't really explain

and stupid and doesn't make any sense

just a minute ago you are like dying then the next you wanna marry him?

wtfish aya?

but

ont thing

somehow i was really sad

because he never helped

i know he owes me nothing

just that i was really panicking

i didn't know what to do

but i think what i am sad about is

he probably ignored me because he thinks i'm making excuses

i think thats the thought thats making me sad

of course i had no way to know what he thinks of me anyway

but anyway

i still wanna keep my promise

i still love him a lot and i wanna make him happy

he'll be happy when i'm gone, right?

he seems happy to see me leaving yesterday

i really like seeing him talking to me happily

i like seeing him happy

so aya

please be strong

you know what you feel

i know we aren't that firm 

but we will always try our best to keep everyone happy right?

and he matters

my dear AHHK

i wish you would know

i never lie anything to you

and i do want you happy

even if it breaks me

i'll try okay

as long as i need and as i can

i'll try every way possible

i love you, my baby star

06102015 | 235130

only you

last year today

i made that decision to never leave you

this year today

i guess i have to leave you

it will probably one of biggest regrets

i know i am never strong enough

nor am i capable of doing much

i have always been under your warmth and care and kindness

but today

today i think i can

people say "when you love someone you'll let them go"

i didn't understand this before

but i do now

i don't really agree to it

but i see it now

i do believe things sometimes needs small sacrifices

so i believe this is what i can do

i can't assure you i'll do it well

but i can assure you i'll do my very best

this is my sacrifice for you

my heartbreak for your happiness

because

i loved you

oh my god, i really love you

my dear star

i love you

please be happy and take care of yourself

AAS | 06092015 | 232250

stay

Edgar's Gift

Anything and everything,

the two almost the same-

everything says, have it all;

anything, one to claim

If I say, I'd give you everything,

we know it can never be,

but I will give you anything-

I just hope that thing is me.

Lullabies - Lang Leav

May

May is your month and hell so many things has happened then..

and i have confessed of a lot of thing that happened..

man, did i fall deeper to you..

dear AHHK

do you know how happy i am when you came back

you start talking, pictures, singing

and that picture of you wearing my shirt

i take it as my birthday present.

and i love them a lot

i love the shirt on you.

its perfect. you are perfect.

its beautiful. just like you.

dear AHHK

do you like your birthday present?

it wasn't as first i imagined it would be

which was a year ago back in MAA

but i think they turn out okay

my favourite selections of sweets

do you like them?

those little quotes on happiness

do you like them?

and the book that i first hold after you left

do you like them?

the card were probably too simple

do you like them?

i made all of them especially for you, and only you

i hope you like them

dear AHHK

i had rainbows and butterflies on your birthday

because i was going to see you

did you feel them too??

my heart melts throughout the day looking at you

but, theres something missing in you..

you'd be smiling and laughing and talking..

but something is missing

and i cant figure out what

i was really happy to spend my time with you

were you happy too?

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

were you too?

my dear AHHK

how my broken heart broke to smaller pieces when you blocked me

it wasn't because i was blocked

but its on its why

i didn't want to believe

i guess

i thought that you would be mine again

not hers

i wanted to make you mine

i prayed

lord, i prayed hard

i prayed for you to come back if you were meant for me

do you see why i am so happy when you do?

i prayed that

if you are for me and i can make you happy

then you'll find a way back

if you are not meant for me

then he'll take away these feelings, and take you far away off my mind

but everyday, every prayers

my feelings for you grew

bigger and bigger

i feel lost and confused

it hurts me, it breaks me

to me to feel happy and in love of you

but only to see you

annoyed and resent me everyday of what i do

dear AHHK

what do i do

to either have you

or to lose you

to be love by you

what i would give to make you stay

i would give it all away

i wish you would stay

"stay regardless what may be"

i would love you, and only you

it will be forever, you.

only you

...

i don't really have anything to say

just

i am feeling so sad today

a lot has happened both happy and sad in a short time

and this sudden stressed is making me feel like crying

to keep calm and patience is a lot harder to do than say

i just want to cry and sleep please

good night

201505062044

letter to AHHK

Your love I once surrendered,
has never left my mind.
My heart is just as tender,
as the day i called you mine.
I did not take you with me,
but you were never left behind.

Always with me by Lang Leav

my dear AHHK

i'm sorry for the mixed feeling i been showing you

its hard for me to separate between my feels and my thinking

i know my heart truly cares for you

thus it was a really hard decision to leave you

more like, making you leave me

because i know, i can never leave you

my dear AHHK

do you remember? i wrote to you,

as long as you are trying, i'm staying

i do.. i said that in September

and since the day i wrote that i tried to watch you

to be honest, i guess my heart were already start to break at the time

cause, the only thing you been trying was to ignore me

and to avoid me..

i feel that you no longer cares for me

or want me. or like me.

or want to have anything to do with me

so yeah, it breaks my heart

my dear AHHK

i know what kind of person i am

i always believe everything can be fixed

i know i will try to hold on to you so bad

thinking we can fix us

i know i will not let you go

i know i will try my best to make you stay

i know i will try everything i can to make you stay

to make you happy

to make you feel loved

i know

i know myself

i know i can't walk away

thus

i had to make you hate me

i needed you to hate me

i needed you to hate me so bad that

regardless how hard i tried, whatever i tried, how long i hold on

i needed you to hate me so bad

you didn't want anything to do with me

that you will never come back to me

for any reason at all

so yeah, it breaks my heart even more

and so my dear AHHK, 

the whole thing starts

i tried everything i could

even though i had to hurt or lie to you

nothing hurts me more than having to do those to you

i really am sorry for everything i did

in those period of time

i tried so hard to drive you mad

but yet some times

you were still very kind

it really hurts me more

but then, theres still no sign of you wanting to try

i had to go on..

honestly

in those period,

i know you may be not know what i am doing or why i am doing it exactly

but, deep down

i still hope that you'll find out and prove me wrong

hold me and never let me go

but you never tried, i had no reason to stay

my dear AHHK
i guess my effort pulled through
because finally in January 5th
you said you can't with me anymore
you can never be with me anymore
and that you are happily taken
though it made me cry, i am happy for you
i am glad to know theres someone who can make you happier than i can
thus now i have to let you go
i know i still texted you once in a while
i am sorry for that
i know you said you can't have any contact with me
it was my fault.
i just, missed you too much..

my dear AHHK

i know you blame me for everything

i never meant to compare you to my ex

i guess i hurt you

i really am sorry awak

i really am sorry for everything

i know my promises

i will try to keep them

even the ones you didn't know

my dear AHHK

do you still keep all the things i gave you?

i know it wasn't much

but i am proud of it as it truly came from heart

i tried to make you hated me, hated enough to burn them all away

so that things will be easier for you

i know i wish you would keep them and love them

but, i'll understand if they are no longer available

my dear AHHK

did you read all the stars i wrote to you?

all my hopes, dreams and fears

and all my love to you

shine bright baby because i will always love you

my dear AHHK

i'm still sorry for the mixed feeling i still show today

the cards, gifts, everything

i'm still trying to pujuk my heart

lol

but i admit, i do hope for your reply

i do hope that you are doing okay

because i do wonder everyday if you are doing okay

whether or not are you happy

i know its none of my business

i know even if you replied and say yes

i would never know if you are truly happy or not

i know..

i just

i really want you to be happy

happily in love

with warm love of your family and the girl who have your heart

i can't bear the thoughts of that

but i still want you to be very happy

to be honest, my dear AHHK,

when i started the plan to make you leave me

i thought i could handle it

i thought i would be over you within the few months

but i guess i was wrong

if only you knew how much you could make me happy

your one text, your one request

when it happened,

i know i shouldn't be happy about it as it probably means nothing for you

but boy,

they shine my weeks and my tears

i was really happy beyond words

thank you for making me happy

even if you never meant to do so

my dear AHHK

May is coming soon

so does ramadhan

oh my dear, the memories

as much as i wish you would remember me

i didn't want you to remember me that hurts you

i know you said you have thrown away all of our memories

i wish i could to

i don't know how i am going to face all of these feelings,

but i'll be praying for your happiness

always

so my dear AHHK

i know you will never read any of these

not that it matters or mean anything to you

but

deep down

i just want you to know

i really cared for you

i know it won't justify for my actions

i did what i did

i just hope that you'll know

i really done it for your happiness

because i really truly loved you

even if it cost my own heart

my darling AHHK

i will always pray for you

as long as this feeling is with me

you will always be close in my heart and mind

i miss you

sunshine after the rain ?

ended up writing this yesterday

bersabarlah wahai hati

cekalkan diri tabah menghadapi

walau kau sendiri tidak mengerti

selagi ada tuhanmu disisi

insyaallah pasti mampu kau harungi

la tahzan, innallaha ma'ana

yeah it hurts.

it still hurt so bad

i know feelings will change someday

but i'm hoping that someday is soon

something i have been wondering for ages

how do i know if i am giving up or really berserah?

i find it confusing

but then, right now, i don't even know what i am thinking or feeling

everything is pretty much mixed up all over

it hurts and i'm sad still,

and i wanna be over him as soon as possible

but at the same time

i don't even know what to do or what i am doing

several attempt i made has gone wrong whereby i ended up crying even more

the only thing left for me at the end is pray

yes, pray

somehow it does give me peace

and sometime happiness

even for a while

but still, alhamdulillah

i'm grateful for every chance of it

because crying every night isn't a pleasant thing

kan?

right now, 

being ignored by you is kinda sad

but since i am already sad

it kinda makes no difference lol

but

i do know it was my choice

i choose to make you really hated me

i needed you to really hate me

so it was hard to say

i guess i am sad

but at the same time

i guess my hardwork to make you hate me pays off?

dear heart

i'm sorry for making that decision

i hope that the best will soon fall unto you

twinkle twinkle

twinkle twinkle i saw you

twinkle twinkle i fell for you

twinkle twinkle i loved you

twinkle twinkle i will always do

soon enough it will be a year i would have known you

time surely flies, eh ?

in such a short time, way too many things happened

in such a short time, i fallen so deep into you

soon in time

i hope i will be over you.

lost

how long has it been ?

it surely feels long enough

things is a little bit.. shaky suddenly

i can't understand why myself

and it feels a little empty

but not entirely sad

but not happy either ?

no , i don't know what is wrong with me

i wish i do

really

anyways

dear AHHK

i'm not quite sure how to say it

but i hope everything is going well for you.

i hope the postcard will reach you soon

i don't know how long it will takes

but yeah

hey, at least its from the heart ?

hahaha

how much time is a year ?

A year today

things were a lot different

i myself were a lot different

i am not sure which i wanted more

but yes, i was a lot happier then than now

but i couldn't say i regretted it either

perhaps, regret is just too much?

but yes, i would like to be happy again please

dear self

how much have you changed?

i still have both of mixed feeling daily regarding AHHK

/sigh/

i still cry, every night, every prayers

i honestly not sure if its a good thing

or bad..

but i wish it could just be gone

i wish i could just woke up one day and not remembering him

or thinking of him

or wanting him

or missing him

....

though i know, deep down, i didn't ever want to

i cant live like this either

can i..

sampai bila, aya ?

honestly

maybe i was too ignorant last time

that i mostly assumed than prayed for

or maybe 

i didn't prayed for it hard enough.

my ignorance, my lost

my pain, my shame

ya Allah,

please forgive me

please make ease of everything

please mend this broken heart

i'm sorry

its a long but worthy journey

whenever you feel like Allah actually answers to your prayers

don't you feel happy?

i feel super happy. and grateful =)

i am no anywhere pious and whatnot. i can't give any religiously-ish kind of advice

but i can tell/share the little things that i know, or my own experiences, or view

kinda.

sometimes, i wonder if it was all games of the devil and all

it actually scares me

what if i am blinded by it

but hopefully, its nothing like that

insyaAllah, its not like that.

kan?

i don't even know how to explain things

but i am just grateful at this moment.

i hope this wouldn't stop me from doing more

i hope that someday the reasons itself will change for the better

i hope to be better

even if the reason now may not seem as right

but insyaAllah i will try to fix it

i hope someday i will be good enough

p/s

if you feel like you need a lot of time, sembahyang diawal waktu.

like really, personal experience, i don't know how true but this is what i normally noticed.

every time  spend my time doing things, time feels like they flew so fast.

but whenever i prayed right after adhan, it always surprised me how slow the time was

this got me a few times.

i don't know it its just me. but we are adviced to do so, isn't it?

maybe its one of things to reward you, perhaps?

it helped me at least

alhamdulillah

to AHHK

i don't hate you. not even a tiny bit. i can never hate you.

i wish i can but i can't afford to hurt you again.

but if you ever need me, i will be here for you.

i hope you are doing okay. both you and your family

i wished nothing but the best for you.

i really am worried for you. especially after you decided to request it

i know the act may seems small for you, but it not for me

it made me super happy.

thank you. really.

but i am scared i will hurt you again, i don't know what to do anymore..

i wish i am enough for you.

Dear You

Dear You

Do you know I still cry for you?

every thought of you, every tears for every heartthrob

Do you know I am still falling for you?

to that beautiful smile and lame winks

Do you know that I miss you?

your smiles, your laugh, your cheesy-ness, just you.

Do you know that I still think of you?

every day, every night, every seconds

Do you know that I prayed for you?

every day, every prayers, every whisper

Do you know I am still waiting for you?

every moment,

silently praying we'll be together, forever

every day not a single day passed without you

except physically

you've left.

xoxo

- aya -

#####

maybe i have no longer have any spot in your life. but i will always keep you close in mind. 

as long as i have this feeling, the spot shall be yours. 

as long as these feeling are strong, i would still love you unconditionally. 

you shall live in my heart, in my prayers, in my mind.

i loved you, i still love you, i will still love you

it hurts, every thought of you falling for someone else, it hurts. 

i wished i could be enough for you. i wished i could make you happy and complete

but i guess i am not..

maybe someone else could...

whatever makes you happy, then i wish for nothing more. 

as hard as it is, 

as hurt as it is,

i want your happiness more than my own.

Ya Allah, please mend my broken heart.

test test test (updated)

more and more test. yesss, procrastination TAT i am suppose to do work but

HA HA HA HA

updates
this is.. HAHAHAHA honestly i guess some part of it is definitely true and i knew it so but some.. i wonder maybe i dont notice them but i do? hahaha some i definitely do not agree lmao

test 48

results

Your house tells the world that you ought to be a leader. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. 

You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. You are an ambitious person. 

You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You always have plans on your mind. This might cause a lot of stress if things don't go the way you expect. You have a strong personality and you like to command, influence and control people. 

You are not a romantic person by nature. It also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You don't think much about yourself.

test 79

results

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between

test 80

results

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

test 81

results

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

1. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
2. You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.
3. Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
4. Your boyfriend thinks that you are a real doll but this is not a totally positive thing. Sometimes you can be a bit too sweet, and come across as being helpless. If you're like this too frequently, your boyfriend and other people are likely to get tired of you having to rely on them all the time.

test 83

results

No one can take better care of you than yourself. Seeing the weakness of others will only make you feel stronger. So your ideal choice is that young trainee. He'll appreciate your protection, and you'll appreciate his appreciation.

bucket list major post and reso's

last edited
April 11, 2015


AYA's BUCKET LIST

lmao

1. SCREW's DECADE live (it seems quite impossible at the moment)
2. Euro backpack trip
3. an RV trip ( i have no idea where though)
4. bungee jumping (but i am really scared lmao)
5. star gazing (i have not found out where i want it yet)
6. shimmering shores in Maldives ( a must go someday)
7. of course, I WANNA MARRY MEET URUHA
8. to steadily join a charity organisations independently
9. own my on business someday (currently thinking of a tea house)
10. Tokyo trip
11. Osaka Trip  (Mac 2014)
12. i wanna go to Disney Sea
13. i want to see sharks!! like a bigggggg one ahaha
14. i want to see an aurora
15. definitely see my babies live show ( tG, NCBL, SCREW, MEJI )
16. other lives (OOR)
17. i wish to do kick boxing (damn princess doubt at my capabilities)

and plus

annual resolutions

(hopefully i am rajin enough to update every year)

2015

1. to be a better person
2. obviously, my masters graduation (insyaAllah this year i hope)
3. a proper job (i truly want to be a research engineer sobs)
4. i want to reach my wanted weight (i laughed to hard for this)
5. monthly donations : Jan, Feb, Mac, Apr, May, Jun, Jul, Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec

2014

1. to be a better person (the fact that i cut myself, i think i failed. miserably)
2. my masters graduation (sadly i failed)
3. a proper job (i already quit does it count?)
4. i want to reach my wanted weight (almost... but FAILED LMAO)

personality ?

hello~

its been awhile and i am currently sick (again)

fever has always been a monthly thing like seriously +__+"

anyways

do you know those kind of personality test thingy?

i took one today lol

not that i believe them but i actually really like what its written for me

its like truly how my current view is

so yeah here it goes

test taken from here

my results

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

like really, dude, this answer scheme amazes me. scares me at the same time too lol

probably just coincidence but still

anyways

for the 16personalities test, apparently i changed from INTJ to ISTJ

i prefer my INTJ personality

i need to find my old self back

there are no safety net in free fall ever

what would you do when you wanna do something but you know its not a good idea and you know people would tell you not to but you know you wont listen anyway

well, i guess then just get the hell to it

lol

i kinda wanna do this one thing. seeing it makes me happy but i know in a long term and also the situation now, kinda, not the right time for it but the urge to do it is strong anyway

i haven't done it and i am still restraining myself from doing it

i'm having hard time to hold myself really

so i thought to just do it so that my inner self is satisfied and i guess if they make me sad or cry or hurt later the i just have to deal with them?

heart is already broken and hurt and sad as it is

it probably won't change much

not sure that is me being positive or indifferent or just don't care anymore

i still care i think?

and today i been praying that the thoughts of you is removed

last time i asked my feelings for you to be gone, it got worst and actually made me love you even more i started to cry again

i don't even understand myself either really

and to be honest

i don't think i want to think anymore

i feel like i kinda just wanna go with it

i guess if i love you still, then i love you still

maybe someday it will fall for someone else

maybe yes, maybe no

i don't know

i'm just tired

and scared

how can i still falling after all this time?

i miss your smile

stop coming into my dreams lol

you are killing my kokoro 

hahaha

i love you yang

missing you

lately,

i don't even know why i feel happy whenever i thought of him. the thought of him still made me sad sometimes but lately, recently, i feel.. happy..

i just find it weird

not that i want to be sad but missing him should be making me sad, no?

the fact that i am actually happy is making me worry even more

as if another misery will later unfold

after this rainbow

but it doesn't even make any sense

this is so weird

i'm scared

but anyway, i hope you are safe. i hope you are happy.

secretly hope you are missing me

LOL

shine bright, my baby star

you will always be my only star

in time

just yesterday, i spent a few hours lying on the floor trying to figure out what i am feeling.

mind was kinda blank which was rare but occasionally happened

one of the thing i argued with myself were about whether or not i still like "star" and figuring out whether i am giving up on him or giving in. to be honest, i don't think even now i have the answers to myself. but i had fun talk yesterday. past included. i can feel i'm a bit better now and i think at this moment, i came to an agreement. to myself.

happy moments, still bring happy feels. even now.

regardless how bad they broke me last time, i guess never denies all the good things they have done for me in the past.

good deeds were still good deeds as of that moment 

and i shall treasure them each

both HH and AH

and especially to AH

berserah atau putus asa. i don't know which. i tried hard to think but i couldn't

i even came to the point wonder if i still like you or not

everything were just confusing

but,

what i can say now is that, i do know that i like you still

even today. even now.

i don't understand why but i do

how can someone made me fall this hard over such short period of time.

but i think i will let go

i been trying to. still trying to. will try to.

be happy. i love you.

of the two sides

okay, one of the thoughts i recently kept thinking about

so how do you differentiate between 

giving in to god's will 

to 

giving up to make anymore effort for something that you actually want?

and it not just limited to a certain thing (or someone) but you know it could be anything, career wise, future wise, marriage, work, family, self, i don't know, anything(?) i guess

i wonder me thinking this is bad its like as if i don't have faith strong enough to just let HIM do the work or actually me not trying to work harder to get what i want. you know? like which exactly?? a friend said at the end of the day which it was were actually depended on what you feel about it. but then my problem is, i don't know what i feel about it.

both happy and sad

i am confused as hell

i'm not even sure if i know what i want

and of course then i thought i should come out with a future plan 

(to actually sound more organised and success, and planning etc la konon pfffft)

not sure if this even related i ended up wanting to do a bucket list
HA HA HA HA HA HA

thats personally sounds like a big joke to me especially after how i fail to get my 2014 resolution done. i only manage to do one out of four

but then they say to just do it and whether i could strike the list off or not, it a different matter.

(pretty good motivation i guess?? maybe)

so i do have a few things in the list, i'll make a separate post later so i can update them whenever

but then pretty embarrassing if anyone knew about it ahahahah

just so you know, ( i don't think you will ever) but i just wanted to say, i am still trying. to decide and be firm. i still can't figure out how to as i know my heart isn't as firm. but slowly, i think i will be able to know what to do..

i wonder if following one's truly heart would make your decisions firmer than anything else in this world? 

???

begin again

so i ended up making another blog. lately i been having the habit to make one and then later abandoned them my account. i knew well why i became that way so this time around i am determined (i hope so) to keep this one as long as I can. because i miss my old entries. my laugh and tears. a slight regret for deleting my old accounts now but i can never get them back.

so cheers, to this new one.

please stay

why stars ? because i really like stars. i love staring at them because whenever i do, i actually stopped thinking and just stare them blankly. and yeah its a good thing because my head normally wouldn't stop thinking about way too many things. especially him.

even now..

i miss him

yes i do. i can never deny that. i want to text him so bad but i guess he's happier without me.

i wish nothing but happiness for you.

though it kinda hurts whenever the idea of him being happy with another girls kills my heart,

but hey, at least he's happy.

i will try to be happy for you

do you ever think of me?

shine bright, my darling star