one step at a time

today

a lot happened

it feels weird when i started to feel things starts to go well

something else starts falling apart

everyone have problems

i knew that

but somehow today, i felt different about it

i thought before

its okay sacrificing myself to make others happy

but then i realised somehow, sometimes

even if i do that,

they still aren't happy

i didn't know what to do then

family problem

i can't go details but then

i don't know

i feel bad

i feel trapped

but somehow

i feel like i wanted to start deciding on things

i don't know how well i can execute all these

but i guess its worth trying

first, my family

i know i heart them but sometimes i really do not know what to do

i can't really decide now either

i feel bad

but i know i can't help

second, AHHK

i know i will feel guilty to plan this now

but my dear, i hope someday you'll see or know

i'm doing it for both of us.

especially you

my hearts wants you happy

third, HH

i'm sorry but i give up

14 years is a really long time

but as time passes, i don't think you knew me at all

and the new you, i cant compete

i wish you all the happiness in this world though

take care

fourth, AA

i wish you well.

i'm sorry i'm not that good of a friend

but i am always here if you need me

come fine me anytime okay?

last, myself

i can't pinpoint but slowly a maybe a little bit

i can feel like i am changing inside

for the better i hope

aya, remember your prayers okay

fix and upgrade yourself slowly

you'll be fine

insyaallah

dear god, i can have him on my side pls?

nightmare

i lost my decision one hour after the goodbye

AHHK probably never trust me

i think that has been a while

can't blame him

really

i had a nightmare

its the worst i ever had

i had only an hour of sleep yesterday

honestly, i thought it ended quite beautiful

i managed to talk to him happily

i was ready to let him have that shirt

then i fall asleep

in my dreams,

it was pitch black

i couldn't see anything or anyone but the floor were brown tiles-ish

then i heard someone said not to leave

(referring to AHHK)

so i thought to myself, "nah i want him happy"

then i started to feel choked

i couldn't breath and i started to panicked

the voice kept repeating "no air"

then i felt drowned

do you know the feeling like you are drowning in the water

well yeah its like that

except i was on air

i couldn't touch or gasp anything

i freaked out

then like a sharp pain on my chest i woke up

the first thought i had when i woke up were "i wanna keep my word"

i texted him that

then slowly the dream came back i started to feel choked again

i tried asking him for help, but idk

maybe he thinks i'm lying so anyway

it got pretty bad i kept felt choked then i kept vomiting

few times over i think my tummy have nothing left to pump out

but i still felt the same

then i think i passed out for a very short while

because last i remembered were i couldn't breath then next thing i knew i was on the floor

and my head kinda hurt

i think it probably because i fell

well its not thaaaat hurt lah but still

once i awake, i got really scared

so i started to pray to god to help me

and shortly after i started to feel okay again

i was still shaken and slightly choked 

but i don't know

i did the stupidest thing

i asked him to marry me

(of course he ignored me)

but, its a feeling i can't really explain

and stupid and doesn't make any sense

just a minute ago you are like dying then the next you wanna marry him?

wtfish aya?

but

ont thing

somehow i was really sad

because he never helped

i know he owes me nothing

just that i was really panicking

i didn't know what to do

but i think what i am sad about is

he probably ignored me because he thinks i'm making excuses

i think thats the thought thats making me sad

of course i had no way to know what he thinks of me anyway

but anyway

i still wanna keep my promise

i still love him a lot and i wanna make him happy

he'll be happy when i'm gone, right?

he seems happy to see me leaving yesterday

i really like seeing him talking to me happily

i like seeing him happy

so aya

please be strong

you know what you feel

i know we aren't that firm 

but we will always try our best to keep everyone happy right?

and he matters

my dear AHHK

i wish you would know

i never lie anything to you

and i do want you happy

even if it breaks me

i'll try okay

as long as i need and as i can

i'll try every way possible

i love you, my baby star

06102015 | 235130

only you

last year today

i made that decision to never leave you

this year today

i guess i have to leave you

it will probably one of biggest regrets

i know i am never strong enough

nor am i capable of doing much

i have always been under your warmth and care and kindness

but today

today i think i can

people say "when you love someone you'll let them go"

i didn't understand this before

but i do now

i don't really agree to it

but i see it now

i do believe things sometimes needs small sacrifices

so i believe this is what i can do

i can't assure you i'll do it well

but i can assure you i'll do my very best

this is my sacrifice for you

my heartbreak for your happiness

because

i loved you

oh my god, i really love you

my dear star

i love you

please be happy and take care of yourself

AAS | 06092015 | 232250

stay

Edgar's Gift

Anything and everything,

the two almost the same-

everything says, have it all;

anything, one to claim

If I say, I'd give you everything,

we know it can never be,

but I will give you anything-

I just hope that thing is me.

Lullabies - Lang Leav

May

May is your month and hell so many things has happened then..

and i have confessed of a lot of thing that happened..

man, did i fall deeper to you..

dear AHHK

do you know how happy i am when you came back

you start talking, pictures, singing

and that picture of you wearing my shirt

i take it as my birthday present.

and i love them a lot

i love the shirt on you.

its perfect. you are perfect.

its beautiful. just like you.

dear AHHK

do you like your birthday present?

it wasn't as first i imagined it would be

which was a year ago back in MAA

but i think they turn out okay

my favourite selections of sweets

do you like them?

those little quotes on happiness

do you like them?

and the book that i first hold after you left

do you like them?

the card were probably too simple

do you like them?

i made all of them especially for you, and only you

i hope you like them

dear AHHK

i had rainbows and butterflies on your birthday

because i was going to see you

did you feel them too??

my heart melts throughout the day looking at you

but, theres something missing in you..

you'd be smiling and laughing and talking..

but something is missing

and i cant figure out what

i was really happy to spend my time with you

were you happy too?

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

were you too?

my dear AHHK

how my broken heart broke to smaller pieces when you blocked me

it wasn't because i was blocked

but its on its why

i didn't want to believe

i guess

i thought that you would be mine again

not hers

i wanted to make you mine

i prayed

lord, i prayed hard

i prayed for you to come back if you were meant for me

do you see why i am so happy when you do?

i prayed that

if you are for me and i can make you happy

then you'll find a way back

if you are not meant for me

then he'll take away these feelings, and take you far away off my mind

but everyday, every prayers

my feelings for you grew

bigger and bigger

i feel lost and confused

it hurts me, it breaks me

to me to feel happy and in love of you

but only to see you

annoyed and resent me everyday of what i do

dear AHHK

what do i do

to either have you

or to lose you

to be love by you

what i would give to make you stay

i would give it all away

i wish you would stay

"stay regardless what may be"

i would love you, and only you

it will be forever, you.

only you

...

i don't really have anything to say

just

i am feeling so sad today

a lot has happened both happy and sad in a short time

and this sudden stressed is making me feel like crying

to keep calm and patience is a lot harder to do than say

i just want to cry and sleep please

good night

201505062044

letter to AHHK

Your love I once surrendered,
has never left my mind.
My heart is just as tender,
as the day i called you mine.
I did not take you with me,
but you were never left behind.

Always with me by Lang Leav

my dear AHHK

i'm sorry for the mixed feeling i been showing you

its hard for me to separate between my feels and my thinking

i know my heart truly cares for you

thus it was a really hard decision to leave you

more like, making you leave me

because i know, i can never leave you

my dear AHHK

do you remember? i wrote to you,

as long as you are trying, i'm staying

i do.. i said that in September

and since the day i wrote that i tried to watch you

to be honest, i guess my heart were already start to break at the time

cause, the only thing you been trying was to ignore me

and to avoid me..

i feel that you no longer cares for me

or want me. or like me.

or want to have anything to do with me

so yeah, it breaks my heart

my dear AHHK

i know what kind of person i am

i always believe everything can be fixed

i know i will try to hold on to you so bad

thinking we can fix us

i know i will not let you go

i know i will try my best to make you stay

i know i will try everything i can to make you stay

to make you happy

to make you feel loved

i know

i know myself

i know i can't walk away

thus

i had to make you hate me

i needed you to hate me

i needed you to hate me so bad that

regardless how hard i tried, whatever i tried, how long i hold on

i needed you to hate me so bad

you didn't want anything to do with me

that you will never come back to me

for any reason at all

so yeah, it breaks my heart even more

and so my dear AHHK, 

the whole thing starts

i tried everything i could

even though i had to hurt or lie to you

nothing hurts me more than having to do those to you

i really am sorry for everything i did

in those period of time

i tried so hard to drive you mad

but yet some times

you were still very kind

it really hurts me more

but then, theres still no sign of you wanting to try

i had to go on..

honestly

in those period,

i know you may be not know what i am doing or why i am doing it exactly

but, deep down

i still hope that you'll find out and prove me wrong

hold me and never let me go

but you never tried, i had no reason to stay

my dear AHHK
i guess my effort pulled through
because finally in January 5th
you said you can't with me anymore
you can never be with me anymore
and that you are happily taken
though it made me cry, i am happy for you
i am glad to know theres someone who can make you happier than i can
thus now i have to let you go
i know i still texted you once in a while
i am sorry for that
i know you said you can't have any contact with me
it was my fault.
i just, missed you too much..

my dear AHHK

i know you blame me for everything

i never meant to compare you to my ex

i guess i hurt you

i really am sorry awak

i really am sorry for everything

i know my promises

i will try to keep them

even the ones you didn't know

my dear AHHK

do you still keep all the things i gave you?

i know it wasn't much

but i am proud of it as it truly came from heart

i tried to make you hated me, hated enough to burn them all away

so that things will be easier for you

i know i wish you would keep them and love them

but, i'll understand if they are no longer available

my dear AHHK

did you read all the stars i wrote to you?

all my hopes, dreams and fears

and all my love to you

shine bright baby because i will always love you

my dear AHHK

i'm still sorry for the mixed feeling i still show today

the cards, gifts, everything

i'm still trying to pujuk my heart

lol

but i admit, i do hope for your reply

i do hope that you are doing okay

because i do wonder everyday if you are doing okay

whether or not are you happy

i know its none of my business

i know even if you replied and say yes

i would never know if you are truly happy or not

i know..

i just

i really want you to be happy

happily in love

with warm love of your family and the girl who have your heart

i can't bear the thoughts of that

but i still want you to be very happy

to be honest, my dear AHHK,

when i started the plan to make you leave me

i thought i could handle it

i thought i would be over you within the few months

but i guess i was wrong

if only you knew how much you could make me happy

your one text, your one request

when it happened,

i know i shouldn't be happy about it as it probably means nothing for you

but boy,

they shine my weeks and my tears

i was really happy beyond words

thank you for making me happy

even if you never meant to do so

my dear AHHK

May is coming soon

so does ramadhan

oh my dear, the memories

as much as i wish you would remember me

i didn't want you to remember me that hurts you

i know you said you have thrown away all of our memories

i wish i could to

i don't know how i am going to face all of these feelings,

but i'll be praying for your happiness

always

so my dear AHHK

i know you will never read any of these

not that it matters or mean anything to you

but

deep down

i just want you to know

i really cared for you

i know it won't justify for my actions

i did what i did

i just hope that you'll know

i really done it for your happiness

because i really truly loved you

even if it cost my own heart

my darling AHHK

i will always pray for you

as long as this feeling is with me

you will always be close in my heart and mind

i miss you

sunshine after the rain ?

ended up writing this yesterday

bersabarlah wahai hati

cekalkan diri tabah menghadapi

walau kau sendiri tidak mengerti

selagi ada tuhanmu disisi

insyaallah pasti mampu kau harungi

la tahzan, innallaha ma'ana

yeah it hurts.

it still hurt so bad

i know feelings will change someday

but i'm hoping that someday is soon

something i have been wondering for ages

how do i know if i am giving up or really berserah?

i find it confusing

but then, right now, i don't even know what i am thinking or feeling

everything is pretty much mixed up all over

it hurts and i'm sad still,

and i wanna be over him as soon as possible

but at the same time

i don't even know what to do or what i am doing

several attempt i made has gone wrong whereby i ended up crying even more

the only thing left for me at the end is pray

yes, pray

somehow it does give me peace

and sometime happiness

even for a while

but still, alhamdulillah

i'm grateful for every chance of it

because crying every night isn't a pleasant thing

kan?

right now, 

being ignored by you is kinda sad

but since i am already sad

it kinda makes no difference lol

but

i do know it was my choice

i choose to make you really hated me

i needed you to really hate me

so it was hard to say

i guess i am sad

but at the same time

i guess my hardwork to make you hate me pays off?

dear heart

i'm sorry for making that decision

i hope that the best will soon fall unto you